Jaane kyun dil jaanta hai

I am not very good with dates. i.e. remembering dates etc. However, events and incidents I do.

Pushkaraj S. Shirke. Those were the words jinse kuch kuch hua. I was just plain happy reading them. Later when I tried to figure out why, I could only satisfy myself with the logic. “New Guy Student”. Socha, isse toh milhoga. (aur ab dekho kya ho gaya!)

1st day of 1st year of degree college. Class of SVG – an interesting communications skill class. Vijaya absent. Purane logon mein me and Kris. 2nd column 4th row bench. Ma’am prancing in class with ‘Active and Passive Voice’. Serene, calm, energetic atmosphere when suddenly this gush of air fills in the class as Mr. Shirke opens the door and without a word asks permission to get in.

Awww! That face. No he dint make it, (Puss in Boots was not out back then), it was genuine. That face didn’t beg entry nor acceptance in class nor did it demand to take him in. What was it, I do not know. Just know that I have it here with me to stay.

SVG on the bench, torso turned to the right looking at this person who broke her class’ attention. “You in this class,” Nod and this broad grin. “Come in”. And I wish hard that he sits with me cause I just know it’s HIM. Well, he did not.

Lecture went on and I forgot what I’d wished for 35 minutes back. He talks to Kris. What, I know not of. I am out of class peering down beyond the parapet looking at the inner courtyard. To see whom, I don’t know. Thinking what, I don’t know.

Pushkaraj tells me now I had the should-have-spoken-to-me-why-is-he-talking-to-her look.

Highlight of the day. He was just Dada’s body double for me. Just that, would dada wear black? And if he decides to talk to Kris. Well, let him. I’ve never told anybody to be mine. Don’t even know if I will. If they are with me, it’s their choice. If they aren’t, their loss. In fact, I push people back to go out into the world. I mean it’s not only me they should have. However, there are people who are just stuck to me. Some lovely people who obliged are Sabitha. Well, it’s only Sabitha!!! (I appreciate that, thanks Sabitha I was, still am impressed.) Maybe that’s why I like her now.

Day 2. Vijaya is back. We now are sitting where I kept sitting until I completed my studies in SIES (Even during the Alumni meets we sat there!), 3rd column 4th row. Class ka toh kuch yaad nahi but en route home we walked to this book store where once again I look at Pushkaraj aaaaand . . . Dada. Kya connection tha I don’t know, it was July 2003 then!

He spoke a lot. Dunno what he spoke! Very few people like him but everyone admires him. Do not know what all he did, said, does and says. Just know we somehow ended up to be together. Hema madam’s extra psychology classes and Pushkaraj was analyzing signatures – whatever, never bothered. Just know, I wasn’t the crowd that day, the group which admired his art. (Don’t even know that group today) This, was when I could feel my “be-with-me” feeling. Incidentally, this has happened only with this stoopid creature.

This bugger calls me up one day, I am sleeping. Doesn’t even ask what I am doing etc. directly, “note down this no.” Wasn’t wearing my specs, couldn’t find a pen, he is repeating this no. all this while and I don’t even make and attempt to ask him to hold. Giving up my frantic search, I ask him to repeat the no once more I put down the receiver deciding if I forget then I’ll explain what situation I was in. Because, it was Pushkaraj, ‘something’ had to happen and it did. I remembered the no. Few days later I came to know that was his no. His first cell phone. Now, I dint have to call his mom to talk to him, not that that was a problem. Just.

Friends, girlfriends, teachers, professors, mom, dad, sister, grand mom, work, work friends – so many things he spoke of. Heard them all. Narayan said, “How do you tolerate him”. I just smiled. I had no answer. Even Pushkaraj doesn’t know “Why do I even talk to him(i.e. Narayan)” He didn’t express this though.

People who met us did not believe that this was just a year’s friendship. People didn’t believe it’s friendship. Sahi toh bola, friendship kahaan hai. He’s my Soulmate. He says he’s the darker side. Co - incidentally, we even have a White&Black picture. (Thank you Shabnam for being there to happy click)

Once, when Pushkaraj was out of SIES there was an Essel World plan made in which he wasn’t included. (He wasn’t invited and wanted). He eventually, learnt about it, wanted to come. I insisted that he not come and shooed him from the outing. It took me lotsa time to later mend what I had done. We were still friends. He says, he’ll be there with me till where the sky is exists.

Bas, silsila chalta raha aur chalta hi chala gaya until…. (Hah! There had to be this ‘until’. Cruel Me!) Well, until Shalini came. 1st cringe. I just din’t like her listening about her. She said, she’d want to meet me someday. Well, I am not interested. But, if she wants to I will. (Koi mujhe kuch samjhao!) She wasn’t this villainous character in our lives. Nor was she going to snatch away anything off me from the Poorabie-Pushkaraj Life I have. [No one can, I assure you World!] I was just not comfortable with her.

I don’t remember what conversation I had with Vijaya about all this, did I tell her about my numbness towards Shalini’s presence. Nothing. I vividly remember Vijaya telling me, that she wrote to Vijaya (I don’t remember what my reaction was, I may have felt relived that she didn’t mail me.) Was talking to Vijaya about my inkling about Shalini’s presence in Pushkaraj’s life. Out of nowhere this conversation ended me telling her that this is enough. And that it was time to make Pushkaraj ‘know’ the world. Know people and their savageness. (Maybe he did know and also did not). Will not speak a single word with him on this and just let him learn the hard way.

She said she knows how difficult this was for me and she also knew that if I’d taken the decision, she nor anyone could alter it. It surely was difficult for Pushkaraj to deal with the uninterested, uninvolved and unresponsive me. Only do I know how difficult it was for me too. I was there to listen to him. I could see him crumble. Argghhh! I could succeed in making the remoteness felt. I suddenly became this distant soul - Understandable. (Thank you Vijaya! There was someone I could tell how proud as well as hurt I was with my “Show him the World” decision.) My world-beater friend was being shown the world. Oh! How I hated my self and how proud was I of myself. He still doesn’t know about it. As I write this I plan to make him read this first, take his approval and publish it. Simultaniously, I break the news to Vijaya about my breaking the promise I made to myself of not telling him of this dare-devil, adventurous task of mine. We knew I could I lost him. But then, I was just determined to do something for my village idiot.

I again do not know why have I typed this. What made me finally tell my biggest and only secret from pakao Pushkaraj (hey! new adjective). I just know that I’ve gained more affection, respect and confidence in myself. (and got you wondering what a clean mess have I been) I am ready, to take on, the world, kyunki dil jaanta hai.

Writing this will not get me and him back the way we were when we started off. We don’t want to be like that. We have grown. And will keep growing. Ageing. Getting old. But never maturing. That’s not possible with us. We may get such bouts though, however we’ll get back on track unlike ever before.

I don’t remember quotes, somehow what Toffler said about Change and Churchill said about Courage is stuck to me. So, change being the only constant is sure to occur. A tryst with ‘Reality’ will surely happen. It happens with all. People change themselves. We will change but we’ll change with change not change to change ourselves. (What did I just say!? Forget it. Live on.)